
Above is my lovely wife Rachel holding a lovely, squeezable bottle of Marmite. How did this mysterious object make its way across the Atlantic Ocean and deposit its contents into the depths of my intestines? The answer is simple. Cartoonists are the most sharing and kind people on the planet when it comes to spreading yeast products.
D. M. Rolfe, creator of the wonderful webcomic The Mighty Monocle wrote about spreading Marmite on his toast. Darren (or ROLFE, as he signs his name) lives in the UK, which my American education of world geography tells me stands for “unknown”. After a little research on Darren I found out that he really lives in Britain. Britain is in the continent of Europe, even though it looks like an island, and Europe is a continent that pretends it’s in no way a conjoined twin with Asia.
I actually pride myself on my English heritage. The Beals’ go way back to the early colonization of America and I’ve always maintained that I should be allowed to visit England for free on the basis that we never used our return ticket.
Marmite instantly fascinated me. If I ever make it to England, I need to be able to talk the talk and walk the walk. Surely, eating something like Marmite correctly and without hesitation would make me a part of the club. I could be leaving the airport, casually tossing a bottle of Marmite into the air, and everyone would assume I was a native.
That was my thinking when Darren offered to send me a bottle. In fact, I’m going to throw my reputation as somebody you’ve never heard of into the wind and say that anticipating Marmite was the highlight of my early Spring. Yes, I’m either extremely eccentric or extremely boring (answer: both) but I had Marmite Fever there for awhile.
Then the Marmite arrived. From England. The Homeland Of My Ancestors. I could tell it was from a different land instantly, because the date was written all funny the way they do Over There. They write the month first, then the day, then the year…or is it the year, day, month? Maybe it’s the time, year of their birth, then the day of the last full moon. Whatever, the date was on there and I didn’t recognize it.
I was in the office working when the Marmite arrived. I found out later that my wife (above) took a sneaky taste of it before I had a chance. Did I mention that their slogan is “Love It Or Hate It”? You see, Rachel (again, above) is smiling in that picture because she’s only holding the bottle and not actually consuming its contents.
Here’s my first taste, as I described it to Darren: Rachel was asleep by the time I got home, so I had to go it alone! I was a bit …. stunned. I’m a little sensitive to salt and this reminded me of soy sauce with an additional pound of salt. My salivary glands constricted so suddenly and tightly that I might have oral bruises. My immediate thought was “My god, no wonder the English could hold their own against Hitler for so long! This is what they eat for BREAKFAST”
I’m pretty good at acquiring new tastes and I don’t give up easily. What I wound up putting it on (ever so lightly) was potatoes. I really liked that, even though there was some aftertaste. Of course, I have to wait twelve months since I used up my yearly sodium intake with that one potato, but I’m going to try it again.
Darren told me that there are Marmite chips in England. If I become hooked on this stuff, I’m going to have a real problem tracking it down over here. I may have to fly to England, which would make for an interesting airport customs exchange:
“What’s the purpose of your visit?”
“Marmite.”
“I see.” (waves over gun-wielding officer)
I have to conclude that “Love It Or Hate It!” has to be one of the most honest slogans I’ve ever heard. It’s pretty smart of the people at Marmite, really. If your product causes a strong reaction, use it.
The real treat for us was the note that Darren attached to the Marmite. I’m a huge fan of his work, so an original sketch by him is worth a thousand bottles of Marmite (maybe I should rephrase that, depending on taste). If you feel adventurous, spread some Marmite on toast and read Mighty Monocle. Or just read Mighty Monocle and skip the Marmite. You’ll be happy either way.
What’s uniquely American that I could send Darren? I’m still struggling with that.
